


Tony Stark and the Magical Equivalent of Adolf Hitler

by Cy_kun



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Character Death Fix, Crack, Established Relationship, F/M, Fix-It, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, basically i saw Endgame and wrote this, greyish harry, humor?, no beta minimal editing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-07
Updated: 2019-05-07
Packaged: 2020-02-27 20:26:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18746500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cy_kun/pseuds/Cy_kun
Summary: Nothing happened. The stupidly bewildered look on his face wasn't bad, as far as last sights go, but Tony still wished he could have been looking at Morgan as he died. Of course, that meant his daughter would have to watch him basically burn himself to a crisp with the power of Creation itself, so this was probably better in the long run. He raised his right hand, making sure Thanos could see the Stones his nano-suit was even now incorporating into itself.Ah, gormless despair. Even better.It's time.“I am—”That was as far as he got before everything changed.“Accio Infinity Stones.”Or, the one where Thanos accidentally made a very powerful enemy and didn't find out about it until the last possible second.





	Tony Stark and the Magical Equivalent of Adolf Hitler

“I am... _inevitable_.”

Thanos snapped.

Nothing happened. The stupidly bewildered look on his face wasn't bad, as far as last sights go, but Tony still wished he could have been looking at Morgan as he died. Of course, that meant his daughter would have to watch him basically burn himself to a crisp with the power of Creation itself, so this was probably better in the long run. He raised his right hand, making sure Thanos could see the Stones his nano-suit was even now incorporating into itself.

Ah, gormless despair. Even better.

_It's time._

“I am—”

That was as far as he got before everything changed.

“ _Accio_ Infinity Stones.”

Tony's own face was probably somewhere between stupidly bewildered and gormless despair as every single one of the stones were plucked off his suit. They sailed through the air and came to a stop in front of a man, lazily hovering in front of him as he fluidly directed them with a thin white stick that looked for all the world like one of those things orchestra conductors used to direct the music that Tony napped to every time he got dragged to the opera. The man was handsome, as far as those things go, with pale skin and strong, sharp, symmetrical features. Dark brown, nearly black, hair was cut short on his head, parted to the side in a way that reminded Tony almost too much of Steve, with a hank out of place and falling to rest over his left eye.

Eyes which were the color of freshly spilled blood.

“So much power in such tiny little rocks,” the man mused as the Stones danced in front those increasingly disturbing eyes. He spoke with a smooth, deep British accent.

The words snapped— _heh—_ both Tony and Thanos out of their respective states of surprise. Tony had no idea who the hell this guy was, but Tony _needed_ those Stones, and something told him Ruby Red wasn't about to sacrifice himself to destroy Thanos and his army. But before Tony could do more than raise his hand to fire his repulsor, the man turned that bone white stick towards him.

“ _Petrificus Totalus_.”

A light shot from the wand, hitting Tony in the chest. His body froze, and he toppled over, conscious, but completely unable to move. Thanos managed a single step before the man disabled him in the same way.

_What the hell..._

“Anthony Stark.” The man looked right in his eyes for the first time, and if Tony could move he would have shivered. _Murder eyes_ , he thought. It felt like they were staring into his soul. “I have no quarrel with you. In fact, I believe I owe you a boon, since you returned to me that which was lost. In payment I will allow you to witness something very few have lived to tell of.”

His eyes moved to Thanos, and somehow Tony knew the Mad Titan would not be so lucky.

“ _You_ , however...” The man's words were almost lazy, but those murder eyes blazed with madness and fury. “You took something very precious from me.”

He slowly moved until he was standing over Thanos.

“And _no one_ steals from Lord Voldemort.”

He raised his stick.

“ _Crucio_.”

A low, barely audible moan came from the paralyzed throat of Thanos, and even as muted as it was Tony still wanted to wince at the sheer amount of suffering he could hear in his voice. Tony's compassion for the Titan might have been hovering somewhere around negative one million, but Tony knew torture, and he didn't want to watch it, even if Thanos was the victim.

That name though, _Voldemort_ , sparked something deep in his mind. Connections began to form, until he remembered something he'd read in a SHIELD file he'd hacked into one lazy afternoon years ago. He'd barely skimmed it, but like everything he read he could more or less remember what it said.

_Wizards. Magic. Secret society. War. Death. Voldemort._

Thanos was being tortured by Magic Hitler.

_Great..._

Voldemort lowered his stick— _wand_ , Tony realized—and the moan stopped. His full lips curled into a sneer.

“ _This_ is the creature who murdered half the world? Who took—” Voldemort snarled. “ _Crucio_!”

The torture went on for twice as long, this time. When Voldemort removed the spell—for surely that was exactly what Tony was witnessing, some sort of torture magic, and if he lived through this there were definitely some questions he was going to be asking Strange—he picked up right where he left off.

“Pathetic. I expected so much more from the great Thanos.” Voldemort tilted his head. “Though I suppose you had some help...”

With that, he gestured with his wand and the Stones once again began to dance in front of his face.

“ _Infinity Stones_ ,” he said breathlessly. “Imagine my surprise when I learned of their existence. The power to reshape the universe, scattered to the far reaches of space. You searched for them with a singular focus that I, of all people, can admit I appreciate. But make no mistake, Titan. If I had known of them before you used them you never would have had a chance. You were only able to gather them because Lord Voldemort was temporarily ignorant and his attention was focused on...other matters. But no longer. They are _mine_ now. And though I confess I may not have had a lifetime to dream about what to do with this power, I _am_ somewhat of a quick study, as it were. After all, I have such a good example laying right at my feet...”

Voldemort smiled, then, and Tony Stark, who had flown into the void to save the world and saw the face of the devil staring back at him, had never witnessed anything quite as terrifying.

With a flourish Voldemort produced a cup from somewhere within the voluminous black robes he was wearing. The cup was small and gold, with two curved handles and what looked like a badger engraved on the side. It also seemed...aware, somehow. A chill passed over Tony, not unlike the way he felt when Voldemort had been looking into his eyes. It felt like the cup was studying him, judging him, _seeing_ him, somehow. Like it was as alive and aware and as evil as the man holding it. With another swish of his wand the Stones began to spin around in a circle. Faster and faster they moved until they were a rainbow colored blur, and then, without warning, they _smashed_ together. There was a flash so bright it should have blinded Tony, but by some horrible miracle he could still see everything. The Stones _liquefied_ , and fell, still swirling, into the cup. A surge, not unlike the one that wracked Thanos' body when he put on the Infinity Gauntlet, went through Voldemort. But where Thanos, and Tony himself, had always been twisted with pain, Voldemort seemed _energized_ by the surge. He closed his eyes and laughed. It was a laugh Tony had heard before, by countless insane villains as they recounted their evil plans and thought their moment of total victory was finally at hand. (Doom was particularly good at The Laugh, not that Tony would ever tell him) Usually, that laugh preceded the bad guy's completely humiliating defeat at the hands of someone like Tony. This time, though, Tony had the sinking feeling he was about to witness the one time that laugh actually led to the bad guy winning.

When the laughter stopped and Voldemort opened his eyes, they were on _fire,_ blazing with blood red murder.

“You took everything from me,” Voldemort said softly. “Allow me to return the favor.”

He tapped the cup with his wand.

There was no fanfare. No flashy show of power or great proclamation of doom. Instead, it was a repeat of the first Snap. Except this time it was Thanos' army that turned to dust. Tony and Thanos both watched as every trace of Thanos' might was stripped from him. When it was over, only Thanos remained.

“What...” Thanos struggled to speak through the spell holding him immobile. Tony was grudgingly impressed. He could barely move his eyes. “What...are...you...?”

“I am Lord Voldemort.” Voldemort studied the Mad Titan for a long, silent moment. “And for all your strength, for all your soldiers and your warships and your conquering and your single minded devotion to your cause...in the end, you're nothing more than a _muggle_.”

He eyes flashed.

“ _Avada Kedavra.”_

Thanos' body glowed with a sickly green light. When it faded, there was nothing left but an empty husk.

Thanos was dead.

The entire battlefield was still. Every eye was on Lord Voldemort. Even though he could only see part of the tableau, Tony knew it wouldn't be long before someone broke the stunned silence.

He wasn't very surprised when it ended up being Voldemort himself.

“Tell the world what you've witnessed, Anthony Stark. Let the rest of your muggle race know the name of their new god is Lord Voldemort.”

He waved his hand and Tony could once again move.

“Wait,” he said, scrambling to his feet. “Wait!”

Voldemort raised an eyebrow.

“Uh. You're, uh, wizardness? What are you...” Tony could almost see Voldemort's patience with him running out. Oh well. It wouldn't be the first time some all powerful being was pissed at him. “What are you going to do with them?”

He gestured towards the cup. Now that he was standing, he could see the Stones. They were still liquid, but each one retained its own distinct shape and color even as they languidly swirled around inside the cup.

Instead of striking him down, which considering what he knew about wizards in general (now that he made an effort to remember) and Voldemort in particular, he'd more than half expected, Voldemort looked thoughtful.

“I'm not—”

He was cut off by a loud _crack_ , and then suddenly there was a boy standing between them.

The boy was small and youngish looking, though probably not much younger than 16 or so. Peter's age, Tony thought. He was wearing expensive silk pajamas that seemed at least two sizes too big for him. He was skinny as well, almost _too_ skinny, but he had a healthy flush to his cheeks. Behind rounded glasses his eyes were the most startling green Tony had ever seen on a human. They would have been beautiful if Tony hadn't just seen a green light of a very similar color steal the life from a Titan directly in front of him. On the boy's forehead sat a peculiar, lightning bolt shaped scar.

“Tom!” the boy said breathlessly. He was looking up at Voldemort, who seemed to tower above him even though there were probably only four or five inches of height between them.

“Harry.” Voldemort blinked. “What are you doing here?”

“You said you would be next to me when I woke up. You _promised_ not to leave the bed.”

“Harry, I—”

“And when I woke up, do you know who wasn't there, Tom?” Harry pointed his finger right at Voldemort's nose. “ _You_.”

Voldemort let go of the cup, which politely hovered next to him, and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I'm sorry,” he said after a moment. “I thought you would be asleep for longer.”

“Oh, so it's okay to break your promise as long as you thought I'd never find out?” Harry crossed his arms and shot Voldemort one of the most pathetic pouts Tony had ever seen. And Tony had seen more than his fair share. “I was dead, for five _years_ apparently, and you couldn't even wait a few _hours_ before going off to....”

It was only then that Harry seemed to realize where he was. He looked around, his mouth dropping open when he saw the bodies and the army and the more than typical concentration of people in weird costumes wielding swords and spears and various glowing body parts. He turned back to Voldemort with a look of complete disbelief.

“Tom Marvolo Riddle, tell me you didn't leave me _alone_ in _bed_ back at your mansion with only Bellatrix Lestrange and Lucius _sodding_ Malfoy around to greet me when I woke up to go off and start a _war_ with _muggle superheroes_?”

“I didn't,” Voldemort said quickly. He pointed at Thanos' body. “It's his war. I was merely ending it.”

Harry looked skeptical, to say the least.

“He's telling the truth.”

Tony always had a fast mouth, but this was one of the few times it moved faster than his brain. He had just enough time to think _who said oh it's me why would I_ before both Harry _and_ Voldemort turned their attention to him.

_Oh well. I guess it can't hurt to get on Magic Hitler's good side._

“Thanos started it,” Tony said, feeling a lot like he was a kid back in the principal's office. Or what he imagined that would have felt like if his dad wasn't Howard Stark and all his teachers were too scared to actually send him to the principal. Semantics. “And your, uh, Voldemort, over here, really did just end it.”

Tony could have sworn that, for half a second, Voldemort almost looked thankful.

“Oh.” Harry looked nonplussed. Which lasted about as long as it took him to fully take in Tony's appearance. Then he let out a(n adorable) little squeak. “Merlin! You're Iron Man!”

Years of muscle memory had Tony snap— _slipping_ into Public Appearance Mode in the blink of an eye.

“That's right.” He gave Harry his most winning smile and held out his hand. “Tony Stark, at your service.”

“Oh, wow. Oh, _Merlin_.” He reverently grasped Tony's hand between both of his. “Hermione is going to be _so_ jealous. I can't believe I'm touching _Iron Man_.”

Voldemort _growled_.

“Tom!” Harry turned back towards Voldemort, thankfully before he had more time to do more than start to raise his wand. Tony let out a relieved breath when Voldemort quickly lowered his arm before Harry was fully turned. “Look! It's Iron Man.”

“I noticed,” Voldemort said tightly.

“Do you have any parchment? I need to get his...” He trailed off and cocked his head. “Hold on.” He looked down at Thanos' body. “Is that...”

Harry wiggled the fingers on both his hands and moved them around in kind of a wavy, back and forth motion; simulating a dusting, Tony assumed.

“You know,” Harry prompted. “ _Him_?”

Voldemort nodded, more than a little smugly, in Tony's opinion. “It was.”

Harry looked up at Voldemort the way he'd been looking at Tony earlier. “You really were telling the truth.”

Voldemort smiled, but this time it wasn't nearly so scary. “I told you, the muggle world holds no interest to me anymore. Wizarding Britian is ours; I have no need to conquer an entire planet.” Tony noted that he didn't say he had no need to _rule_ over an entire planet, and with the Stones in that cup thing and Voldemort apparently suffering no ill effects from their use, it wouldn't be necessary to conquer anything in order to rule it. “I have everything I need right here.”

He walked forward and cupped Harry's cheek. Tony watched as Harry swooned right in front of him and—

Oh. Wow. Okay, that's a kiss. Magic Hitler is kissing a teenage boy right in front of him. Or, maybe the boy was the one who kissed Magic Hitler and, okay, he was just gonna call him Voldemort from now on because now he's picturing the _actual_ Hitler kissing teenage boys and—yeah, no. Tony had never hated his vivid imagination more than he did in that moment.

He also _really_ hoped Harry was just a young looking 18.

“Tom...” Harry breathed. Apparently they were done kissing, but not swooning, judging by the kiss-drunk look on Harry's face. One that twisted into confusion as his eyes locked onto the floating cup. “Tom.”

“Yes Harry,” Voldemort purred. It seemed Harry might have been the only done with the kissing.

“Why is Hufflepuff's Cup hovering around your head?”

Voldemort, with obvious reluctance, pulled away. “Promise you won't yell.”

“Tom,” Harry said again, a hint of warning creeping into his voice.

“I found the Infinity Stones.”

Harry's mouth dropped open. “You mean those things that killed half the world? The things that killed _me_?”

“Yes.”

“You _found_ them?”

“I did.”

“These things that have unimaginable power and turn whoever holds them into basically god. You just _found_ them while you were out killing...what's his name, Purple, over there?”

“I was as surprised as anyone,” Voldemort said with a completely straight face.

Harry, again, looked skeptical.

“This isn't because I have the Hallows, is it?”

“I have no idea what you're talking about.”

“Because you _gave_ me the Ring. And I had no idea about the Cloak.”

“Yes, but the Wand—”

“Dumbledore was about to _kill_ you! How was I supposed to know disarming him would give me ownership of the freaking Deathstick? And now I'm immortal and I don't even _need_ a Horcrux. Is that why you're mad? Because you reabsorbed those all on your own.”

“Yes, under the condition that I keep at least two besides the one in your—”

“You said that was enough!”

“But it's too much for you!”

Harry was taken aback. “Come again?”

Voldemort sighed. “You've never made it a secret that you hate my Horcruxes. Yet, aside from the Hallows, there is no other way for me to achieve immortality—and before you say anything, I would not take them from you unless you agreed to make a Horcrux of your own. Which I know you will never do.”

“Well...yes. I couldn't live with myself if I murdered someone just to keep myself alive forever. Besides, they do tend to make people go a little...” He twirled his finger next to his temple in the classic “crazy” gesture.

Voldemort cleared his throat. “Yes, well. The last thing you need is more help in that department.”

“ _Oi_!” Harry slapped his arm. “Rude much?”

“The point I was _trying_ to make,” Voldemort continued, “is that with the Infinity Stones I no longer need any Horcruxes to maintain my immortality. I can reabsorb the last of them. And we can be _whole_ , together. Forever.”

“Are you trying to tell me you found Stones that give you godlike power...just so you can be with me forever in a way that doesn't make me uncomfortable?”

“...yes.”

 _Wow_ , _and I though I came up with some pretty terrible lies to get out of trouble with Pepper._

At least Harry didn't seem to be falling for it. Which was good, because Tony was pretty sure the pint sized wizardette was going to end up being the only thing standing between the universe and God Emperor Voldemort over there—

Harry gasped. “Oh, _Tom_...”

_Oh, you've gotta be kidding me..._

Harry threw himself into Voldemort's arms.

“Please don't start—aaand we're back to kissing. Okay. That's fine. Don't mind us traumatized bystanders.”

Although, to be fair, Tony seemed to be the only one bothered by the spit-swapping. Everyone else was still kinda...frozen. He would have suspected more of that spell that knocked him on his ass if they weren't all exchanging bewildered looks every few minutes.

“Well,” Harry said a few minutes later. “I suppose it's a good thing you have the Stones.”

“Is it?” Voldemort smirked.

“Yes.” Harry nodded. “Now we can thank them all properly!”

Voldemort stilled. “I'm sorry?”

“The Avengers!” Harry grinned happily and threw his arms out to his sides. “They are the ones who brought me back, after all.” He turned to Tony. “ _Right_?”

He shot Tony a glare that said, in no uncertain terms, that even if they hadn't been the ones to bring him back, he better play along. Thankfully, there was no need to lie.

And, hey, brightside, maybe the kid was a little sharper than Tony had given him credit for...

Well, no one could blame him for a little wishful thinking.

“Yep. Yeah. That was us. Well, Bruce, really.” He pointed towards the large green man, who made a token effort to duck and hide behind the...nothing that was in front of him. “But we all chipped in.”

“See?” Harry said. “I think that deserves something special.” He paused, then grinned again. “ _Infinitely_ special.”

He broke down into hysterical giggles as Voldemort groaned.

“Very well. In return for you never repeating that joke ever again.”

“In return for _saving my life_ ,” Harry said, crossing his arms.

Voldemort sighed wearily, but nodded. “Of course.” He pointed at Tony. “You. Metal man.”

“ _Iron_ Man, actually.”

Voldemort narrowed his eyes. “Iron is a form of metal, is it not?”

His voice was clipped and annoyed, and for once in his life Tony decided _not_ antagonizing the homicidal maniac with godlike power was the better part of valor. “It is.”

“Good. Then you and... _you_.” He pointed towards Bruce. “The green man. Stand before Lord Voldemort. He will grant you each a single wish.”

“Actually,” Harry cut in,” I think _all_ of the Avengers should be thanked, don't you?”

“Harry,” Voldemort said impatiently, “this power has already been wasted on muggles far too much already. Or have you forgotten what happened the _last_ time a muggle got their hands on these Stones?”

“Hmm.” Harry pursed his lips. “Okay, you _do_ have a point. Iron Man and the Hulk, then. And maybe—”

“ _Harry_.”

“But Ant-Man is my favorite! Please? Just him?”

“ _Fine_. Ant-Man! Which one of you is Ant-Man?”

Scott, who had been towering off in the distance, suddenly shrunk down and raised his hand as he ran towards them. “Me! I'm Ant-Man. That's me. Um.” He stumbled, but righted himself just before he would have barreled into Harry—who Tony was just now realizing had to be _Harry Potter_ and, _wow_ , Fury's file on him was way out of date if he was _dating_ Voldemort instead of, you know, _killing_ him.

“Wow.” Harry let out a giddy little giggle. “I'm a huge fan.”

“Really? I mean, nice.” Scott cocked his head. “I'm really your favorite?”

Harry nodded rapidly. “When I was a kid, I used to wish I could shrink down and go live with the spiders in my cupboard. You're...amazing.”

“Oh.” Scott seemed at least as confused by that as Tony was. Tony didn't know if he was grateful or insulted. “That's...cool. Do you, uh, want a picture?”

“Yes!”

Scott nodded again, then retracted his mask and took a selfie with Harry Potter.

“ _Wicked_ ,” Harry said, as he gave Scott his number so he could text him the picture.

“Are you done?” Voldemort asked.

Harry looked like he was about to ask for some more pictures, but he reluctantly nodded. “We probably should move this along before someone tries something stupid.”

Voldemort muttered something under his breath that sounded like “you've already covered that”, but Tony wouldn't want to swear on it in court.

“Very well,” Voldemort said, audibly this time. “You three then, what are your wishes.”

Bruce, who still looked like he had no idea what was going on, was unsurprisingly the first to jump in.

“Can you bring back Natasha?”

“I have no idea who that is. But yes. There is nothing Lord Voldemort cannot do.”

Voldemort tapped the cup with his wand and there was a bright flash. When it faded, Natasha was standing next to Bruce, healthy and whole and fitting right in with the confused look on her face.

“Tony?” she asked. “Bruce?”

“Nat!” Bruce grabbed her up into a hug and spun her around. When he finally put her down, he treated Voldemort to his biggest, greenest grin. “ _Thank_ you. Thank you so much.”

“Yes. Well.” Voldemort looked uncomfortable. “Next! You.”

He pointed towards Scott.

“Me? Oh! Um...so I can really wish for anything I want?”

“Yes,” Voldemort said impatiently. “There is nothing Lord Voldemort cannot—”

“'Cannot do', right. Got it.” Scott began chewing on his lip. Tony felt for him. One wish for anything he wanted was a huge deal. Tony wasn't even sure himself what he would ask for. Scott already had his family, and he probably didn't have to worry about being in jail anymore after the whole airport thing since he'd just helped save the world and all (if he wasn't already out, Tony honestly didn't really keep up with it) so what—”

“You guys are...sorry, but I thought I heard you say something about wizards, before?”

“Yes...” Voldemort eyes him warily.

“You're actual wizards?”

“Yes.”

“With, like, magic and everything?”

“Yes.”

“ _Real_ magic.”

“ _Yes_.”

“I want _that._ ”

“You want...”

“Yep.” Scott nodded. “I want real magic. Make me a wizard. Oh! And my daughter. Make her a wizard too. She'll never forgive me if I left her out of this. But _not_ my ex-wife. Or her husband. Or Hank Pym. Or...well okay, maybe Hope.” He lowered his voice. “But if you do, could you maybe...you know, give her a little _less_ magic than me? I _really_ don't need her to be better than me at something _else—_ no, you know what? That's actually a bit chauvinistic of me. I'm _proud_ that such an awesome woman is into me, and I'm not threatened by her at all. If you give her magic, give her just as much as me—”

“Yes, all right, _fine_.” Voldemort quickly tapped the cup. Another flash, then, “Done. Now _leave_ before I give you a firsthand lesson in what magic can do.”

“ _Awesome_.” He let out a giddy giggle of his own. Harry held up his hand, and Scott gave him a high five. “Thanks!”

“Thanks for the picture!” Harry called after him, waving as Scott ran off, presumably to try and do magic. “Oh, wait—nope, he's gone. I'll text him about a wand when he sends me the picture.” He nodded once to himself as Voldemort once again turned to Tony.

“And now for you. What is _your_ wish, metal man?”

“Can I wish for more wishes?”

Voldemort's eyes blazed.

“Right, okay, one one wish. Got it.”

Tony took a deep breath.

See, the thing was, pretty much everything he'd thought earlier about Scott applied to him also. Pepper was safe, Morgan was still here, he didn't need money or a job or health insurance. He supposed he could wish for the ability to instantly create anything he dreamed up, that might be cool...but half the fun of invention was the _building_. Cheating would take all the fun out of it. World peace? He could...but would it _really_ be peace if it was enforced by the will of all powerful Stones? And how would that work? Would it rewire everyone's brains? Would he change the basic essence of what it means to be human with a simple, well-intentioned wish? Would it be worth it even if that's exactly what happened? He had to admit, it was tempting. He'd basically destroyed the Avengers once arguing for something very similar. What use were freedoms if you weren't around to enjoy them?

_What use is life if you don't have the freedom to enjoy it?_

Tony _hated_ how much his inner voice sounded like Steve. He also hated how, for the first time, those words made sense.

_If I could change all of humanity, I'd be changing Morgan too. Would she still be the same awesome little girl that sasses me and loves me 3000? Or would she be a Stone age robot, lobotomized and stripped of everything that makes her unique?_

Tony didn't know. He figured it was 50/50 either way, and there was no way those odds were good enough.

Could he bring back everyone he and his friends had ever lost? His mom? His dad? Somehow, that thought was even less tempting. He'd made peace with his parents death. He'd accepted that Howard was both a terrible father and a good man, and he had to admit he rarely felt more at peace than he had after he'd hugged his dad in the past. It had been like a weight had finally been lifted from his heart. And every instinct he had was screaming at him that nothing good could come from upsetting that kind of hard won balance.

But how could he make that decision for everyone else?

The answer was, he couldn't. He'd have to ask them.

“ _No_.” Voldemort said harshly.

Tony narrowed his eyes. “No, _what_?”

“You are not discussing _your_ wish with anyone else.”

“Look, you're not the King of Wishes—”

“I'm also impatient to get on with my life. If you discuss this with anyone, I will leave.” Harry opened his mouth, but Voldemort quelled him with a look. “No Harry, I'm doing this for you but I have my limits. I will _not_ be used to undo all of their mistakes and regrets. If I do I will be hounded for the rest of eternity by fools begging me to right their lives. I don't think you want to know what I'd do to the world with unlimited power when the entire world won't _leave me alone_.”

Harry winced. “He has a point, actually,” he admitted. “It's going to be hard enough keeping him from getting rid of all the muggles without you lot reminding him why he hates you. Besides, our mistakes are what make us human. I know I'd love to undo some horrible things that have happened to me but...I _like_ who I am. I like where my life is, and I absolutely adore the people in it.” He treated Voldemort to a soft smile. “Changing things, _fixing_ things, carries risks I'm not willing to take. And if you think about it, I think you'll find that you're not willing to take them either.”

Tony hated to admit it, but the kid had a point. As tempting as it was to quick-fix their lives, Tony wasn't a god. Or God. Or even smart enough to know all the variables to this equation. Maybe nobody was. All Tony knew was that some of his worst mistakes were made with the best intentions. It was bad enough when those mistakes cost him, but he'd be dammed if he let his own screw ups cost his friends and family more than they already had.

Tony Stark fucking up on a cosmic scale was definitely something to be avoided.

But what could he wish for?

What did he want, right now, more than anything?

The answer, when it came, was as obvious as it was simple.

“I know what I want,” he said.

“I'm shivering in anticipation,” Voldemort said, deadpan.

“I want...a cheeseburger.”

Voldemort blinked. “A cheeseburger?”

“Yep.” Tony nodded. “The biggest, juiciest cheeseburger you got. The best burger in the universe. That's what I want.”

Voldemort shook his head. “Muggles,” he muttered. “Very well. Though Lord Voldemort does not appreciate being reduced to what amounts to being a waiter.”

Taking his life in his hands, Tony clapped Voldemort on his shoulder. “Come on, big guy. Trying new things is part of the fun of being alive.”

“Remove your—”

Tony snatched his hand back. “Yeah, thought that was a bit much.”

Voldemort glared at him, but without another word he tapped the cup yet again. Another flash, and the the most delicious smelling cheeseburger Tony had ever beheld was in his hand.

He ate it in three bites.

“Oh yeah, that hits the spot. Could use some water though.”

“One wish,” Voldemort sneered.

“Fine. I don't want your water anyway.”

Harry rolled his eyes. “It's like being back at the Burrow with the kids.”

Voldemort swiped at him, but Harry dodged out of the way, laughing. “You'll have to do better than that, Tom!”

“I believe I still have those restraints back at the manor.”

Harry shivered in delight, and Tony wished he still had a wish so he could wish to be anywhere but anywhere near this conversation.

“I can't wait,” Harry purred. Then, he turned towards the assembled army and gave everyone a big, sweeping wave. “Good bye Avengers! Thanks for bringing me back!”

He touched a ring on his left ring finger and disappeared without another word.

The moment he left, the air became more oppressive by a factor of 12.

“Yes. Well.” Voldemort surveyed the scene and sneered. “Never bother me again if you value your lives.”

He started to turn away.

“Ah, excuse me, mister, um, magic...guy?” Bruce said, shuffling awkwardly off to the side. “We need those Stones back. If we don't return them to where we got them, the entire multiverse could be at risk.”

Voldemort seemed honestly confused. “And how is that my problem?”

With that, he spun on his heel and disappeared with a _crack_.

Bruce was, understandably, distressed, but the part of Tony's brain that could never let an unsolved crisis sit was already working on a few things. Infinity Stones weren't the only way to protect reality, after all.

And even if they were, they at least had Harry's phone number. It wouldn't be too hard to track them down if they really needed to.

For right now, though, he had a daughter to get home to. And he was getting hungry again.

He wondered if he could talk Pepper into stopping off for some shawarma on the way back.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Some things that never made it into the story:
> 
> HP stuff happened when it did in canon. So no, Harry is not 16. He's however old he'd be in whatever year the end of Endgame takes place in. HP canon diverges somewhere between books 4 and 5, where Harry meets a suddenly sane(r) and human looking Voldemort, they talk, they hang out, they fall in love, and Harry uses his boyish wiles to get Voldy to tone down the torture and mass extinction parts of his platform, with varying degrees of success. Voldemort wins, they get married, no one dies, everyone lives and learns to tolerate each other. Harry looks as young as he does because his physical aging froze when he became the master of death. You can imagine that happened at any age you want.
> 
> Yes, Harry has the Hallows so he's the master of death. Why does the snap still kill him then? Because the Infinity Stones are more powerful than death. That's it. 
> 
> How did Voldemort know about the Stones? Because I assume after half the world disappears and five years passes everyone pretty much knows what went down. How does he know where the final battle is taking place? Because it's being fought by a bunch of muggles with absolutely no mental protections at all. After Harry died Voldemort made a point to regularly pass the remaining Avengers on the streets (as well as world leaders and scientists and anyone who might be able to undo what happened) and peek into their minds to see if there were any plans in the works to bring everyone back. Did he try on his own? Of course he did. Mr Tom A Dildo Lover is not one to sit back and let something like his husband disappearing into ash just happen without trying to fix it and punish those responsible. But he couldn't. Not even the Resurrection Stone could contact Harry, or anyone who was dusted, because, again, Stones>Death. So just assume he read the minds of one of the however-many-thousands of people who showed up to kick Thanos' ass and knew exactly what was going down. He was there for most of it, but of course waited for the most dramatic moment to reveal himself and do his thing, because Tom is a theatrical ho. (Seriously, this should be called Tony Stark and the Magical Theater Kid)
> 
> Yes, Harry's wedding ring is a portkey back to their house.
> 
> The other Horcrux Voldemort kept was Nagini. Because he likes being able to possess a snake at will. The weirdo.
> 
> Steve never goes back in time to get with Peggy because, no stones no excuse, and also because he also read the Voldemort file and his sense of duty won't let him run away when a threat like Voldemort with the Infinity Stones still exists. You may ship him with whoever you like, if that's important to you, because I couldn't care less.
> 
> What does Voldemort eventually do with the Stones? Nothing, except give himself eternal life, just like he told Harry. He makes plans, of course, but he never really feels the need to follow through. Harry is his. Wizarding Britain is his. And, much like Tony, he finds that half the fun of experimentation is doing it himself. Sure, he *could* use the Stones to create impossible magic, but he can also do that on his own with a lot of research and hard work and trial and error. And since Voldemort is a giant nerd at heart, he enjoys all of that. If anyone tries to hurt Harry, of course, all bets are off. But they have literally forever to worry about that.
> 
> What happens to the Avengers and co? They all go back to doing what they were doing pre-Civil War. You know, actually being a team and saving the world and all that fun, comic of the week stuff. Like the comic book characters they are, and not the soap opera drama they became.
> 
> Is Loki alive? Yes. Because.


End file.
